When cancer enters someone’s life, grief often comes with it. It is not only the patient who feels it, but also their loved ones, including children, and even the medical staff who walk beside them. Grief in this setting is layered and deeply personal, taking many forms that are not always tied to death.
Rick Bauer, chaplain at the GW Cancer Center, sees this every day. “It’s my belief that grief is profoundly spiritual,” he says. “You don’t guide people through grief. You accompany them.”
The Patient’s Grief
For patients, grief begins the moment they hear the words, “I’m sorry, the test shows…” It can feel like the worst day of their life. Patients grieve for the life they thought they would have, for dreams that suddenly feel out of reach. As Bauer puts it, “Sometimes it’s grieving the dream. I just turned 65. I was going to retire, and my wife and I were going to travel the world. And now I have stage 4 prostate cancer.”
That grief can also shift over time. Some patients grieve the loss of a body part or physical strength during treatment. Others even grieve in unexpected ways when treatment works. Bauer recalls one patient who realized she was going to live after preparing herself to die. “She had grieved the loss of her life,” he says, “but all of a sudden, what terrified her was that she was going to live. That was an adjustment, too.”
The Family’s Grief
Loved ones carry their own grief alongside the patient. Partners may grieve the future they planned. Parents grieve for the child they fear losing. Children grieve in ways that can be especially painful to witness. They may not have words for their sadness, but still feel the weight of uncertainty and change.
Bauer explains that grief looks different for everyone, which can sometimes cause tension within families. Some hold on to sadness as a way of honoring their loved one, while others search for rituals or ways of letting go. “Everyone grieves so differently,” he says. “There is no single path.”
The Staff’s Grief
Medical staff also grieve. Doctors, nurses, and support teams often form bonds with their patients. When those patients decline or die, the loss stays with them. “When a patient hears, ‘I’m sorry, the test results show,’ it’s the worst day in their life,” Bauer says. “And for staff, they live that moment with every patient.”
To help, Bauer and his colleagues lead reflection rounds for medical students and staff. These sessions allow them to name what they are feeling, to claim it, and to begin to tame it. “We’re so good at asking patients where their physical pain is on a scale of one to ten,” Bauer says. “But do we do that for spiritual pain?”
Ways to Cope with Grief
Grief after a cancer diagnosis can feel overwhelming, but there are ways to live with it. Bauer describes his approach as “name it, claim it, tame it.” Naming grief means acknowledging it out loud. Claiming it means accepting that what you feel is real and valid. Taming it is finding ways to live alongside it without letting it consume you.
Some strategies that may help include:
- Talking about it: Sharing feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor can make grief feel less isolating.
- Creating rituals: Writing letters, making art, saying prayers, or simply lighting a candle can help honor what has been lost. “We human beings need ritual,” Bauer explains. These personal practices can mark turning points and create space for healing.
- Allowing time: Grief has no set timeline. It can ebb and flow for months or years. Bauer emphasizes, “You’re not crazy. This is a normal part of it. It’s not comfortable, but it’s normal."
- Seeking support groups: Being with others who are grieving can offer comfort and reassurance that you are not alone.
- Caring for the body: Rest, movement, and good nutrition do not erase grief, but they help the body bear its weight.
- Finding new meaning: As time passes, people may discover new dreams or new ways of living that honor both the past and the present.
A Shared Journey
Grief after a cancer diagnosis touches everyone. It is not linear, and it does not follow a tidy set of stages. It may come in waves, it may take years, and it may never fully go away. But with accompaniment, by family, friends, staff, and spiritual caregivers, grief can be carried.
As Bauer says, “Our role is to stand in the face of cancer and not run.” And sometimes, simply being present is the greatest gift we can give.
